A divorce is always frustrating for both sides, in my case, there was a moment when I thought, I would never get along with him, with that man who once I loved and that loved me so much that we swear eternal love before God. It is incredible how my ego led me to hate something that once was so beautiful and gave me so much happiness. I am human and I let myself be carried away by all the rancor that was creeping inside me. But I’m sure that feeling of bitterness was not only from me, he hated me too, I knew it for his eyes and the way they looked at me, I knew it because it was not easy for him either.
In a divorce we only think of revenge and in the midst of the fuss, discussing material goods, as if that were what only matters. At this point, we forgot everything what we had lived since we met, the places we visited and where we had lived, our family, our children, in short, all the dreams that once we had together. We are used to always seeing things from our side, from our reason and my ex and I were not the exception and in the beginning, the negotiations were very hard.
But neither he nor I are bad persons and it came a time when we thought that to be happy, now in our separate lives, that will never be completely separated because of our children; We had to find a way to settle our differences in order to communicate better to do together what we will always be united for: to raise our children HAPPY, in a balanced and peaceful home. Because where there is peace there is happiness.
Here I give you 5 reasons why I get along with my ex:
- MY CHILDREN. When you get marry and you have children, these are the most important, when you get divorced, they are still the most important! Do you want your children to be happy and have an emotionally balanced and successful life? Our children will always need us both, this means that, for that recital that María José has been practicing so much throughout the year, she will want to see us both in the public; it means that when Alex has karate competition, he wants his daddy and mommy watching him and that when Sara has one of those difficult math exams, we need to be both involved to explain to her what she needs and transmit her good vibes. Having a respectful relationship with your ex, will help your children not be so affected by the divorce. Here I will tell you what I always say, let yourself be guided by your heart, do not do things with anger do the things that from your heart you consider that they are good for both sides. And please do not fall into something as low as wanting to hurt your ex-husband with your children, for God’s sake! If you do this the kids are the ones who will suffer the most. So, stop the hatred and start to worry more about what really matters: Your children.
- STABILITY. Getting along with my ex, has helped me create a balanced home for everyone despite the divorce. By this I mean that although children live with me and are with me most of the time, the responsibilities regarding the children, we try to divide them between both of us. In the same way, we also share their happiest moments. We celebrate the children’s birthdays together; we organize it together as well and always thinking about something that we know the children will enjoy the most. This year Ivan recommended to go to the theme park to celebrate María José´s 5th birthday and I loved the idea! We had a great time and María José enjoyed a wonderful day that she did not stop talking about it for two months. Last year, for Sara’s 11th birthday we went to Las Fallas with her father’s family. And for Alex’s 8th birthday, Ivan went to Santo Domingo to celebrate it with my family while I was out of the country due to work. An emotionally balanced home means to have open doors for my children´s family, a home where their father´s side family feels welcome and like that, my children can grow in harmony feeling the love that the whole family have to offers.I do not know if it’s just my perception, but I have the impression that I get along better with Ivan’s parents after we got divorced. It seems strange, but when I realized the importance of having my children feel wrapped up, valued and loved by all the family in a process like this, my home is an open place for anyone who brings love, good vibes and everything that gives my children stability.
- NEGOTIATIONS ARE MORE EASY AND SIMPLE.
If you are divorced now you will have to negotiate much more. From extremely important things, which will determine the coexistence with the children such as visits and custody, to simple things from day to day as a weekend change, pick them up on a day that is not your turn or vice versa, how many hours the children watch TV in a day and even to agree on who will buy what, from the huge list of toys that they have written to Santa and the Three Kings, So that they do not bring the same toy twice. It is very important to establish the same routine for the children in both parent’s houses, so that they can follow them better and get use to it. Otherwise, they will be confused and not knowing what to do. I am lucky that my children’s father is always there, present in everything. He wants to know everything, he want to be involved in everything that concerns the children. Thank God! So I have to negotiate many things. For this reason it is better to be in peace so that negotiating won’t be a headache, instead that be easy and fluid for both. That way, if he wants to negotiate something with me, he doesn’t be afraid to tell me, and if I need to make some change of plans concerning the kids, I can go to talk to him with total freedom. Being always fair and kind because you never know! Today he could be the one who needs a favor, but tomorrow it could be me.
- MY FREEDOM. And this is the best that can happen to you in life. When I started to get along with the one who once was my life partner, I let go all the bitterness I had inside me and that was not letting me flow. Because one thing I can tell you: we lose lots of energy hating, with bad temper and being sad all the time! When I let go everything that hurt me, I could find a woman who was able to forgive and be forgiven. And I was free! Free without the need to go to the past to reproach or blame anyone at any time. Now I am free, knowing and accepting that with the father of my children I am connected forever or until the children become adults.
- SUPPORT. Last summer I had a professional internship abroad. The internship was not mandatory and they don´t even paid me, but it was something I really wanted to do, and my ex knew this. But the work began in early June and the children were still at school and with exams, just before the summer vacation. I told to Ivan about the internship and he did not hesitate to accept staying with the kids so that I could be able to go and do the internship. I know very well that if I had not gotten along well with him, he could simply said no, why would he help me and support me in a moment like this? Just a month after signing our divorce? But he decided to do it anyways. I really don’t know what he thought when I asked him, and yes! I was surprised with his response and not only with that, also when the children went on vacation and it was my part of the summer to be with them, Ivan traveled to New York to take them to me.
The divorce, in my case was inevitable, many things happened and we were very hurt and tired of fighting for something that was already over, gone. I am sure that if we had not divorced, we would have been immersed in a relationship that no longer had a future as a marriage. This is how I see it; with our divorce we did not break our family, it is not that we do not care about our children, on the contrary, we divorced because already together as a couple we could not give our children happiness because not even ourself were happy and you can not give something that you do not have. When we divorced, we took a step forward, towards a wellness that both my ex and I deserve, a step that was already necessary, for our benefit and our children´s.
You can choose to divorce the hard way, bear a grudge and teach your children that hate and revenge is an option. Or you can show your children that you love them and for them, you are capable of getting divorce with a good communication, with a positive dialogue, in peace and tranquility, showing them that love is the only possible option. In any case, whatever you choose, they will be in the middle.